Bulimia (noun)1: an abnormal and constant craving for food
2: a serious eating disorder that occurs chiefly in females, is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting or laxative or diuretic abuse, and is often accompanied by guilt and depression —called also bulimia nervosa
I never thought that I would ever develop an eating disorder. I never thought that I would be one of those women who would go to the bathroom after eating to throw up. I never thought I would one day be blogging about this.
It all started over a month ago. I started to binge a lot then throw up. I would a lot of junk foods, drink water, go to the washroom then face the toilet seat. I’m not proud of it. I would watch foods and bile coming out of me as I force my stomach to throw up. It’s not a happy experience. After a few days of doing this, I realize that I may be experiencing Bulimia. After searching Google and reading articles and blogs about it, I concluded: I don’t have Bulimia.
For two weeks, I lost significant amount of weight. From 128 lbs, I went down to 121 lbs. That’s 7 lbs lost, a very unhealthy weight lost in a very unhealthy way. I knew at this point I have an eating disorder. You can only say that a person is experiencing Bulimia if he/she is showing the signs and symptoms like bingeing/purging atleast twice a week for three months. Considering that I only started experiencing this for two weeks, I told myself that I don’t have Bulimia.
It’s been over a month now since I’ve started this cycle. Every morning when I wake up, I would tell myself I won’t throw up. After eating breakfast, I’m facing the toilet seat looking at the food that I just ate. I started searching more about this Bulimia thing. It’s not fun reading about all these effects of Bulimia. But I’m not experiencing this right? It hasn’t been three months.
I got myself all wrong. As I was reading the blog posts of many recovered Bulimics, I realize that I’ve been doing this for YEARS. Yes, years. I remember doing this before, binge eating then throwing up as if it’s normal. I don’t do it everyday but it happens twice a week. It happens that often that I didn’t realize something was wrong with me until this past week.
Two weeks ago, I started to feel something in my heart. Even if I just pick-up baskets at work, I would start feeling tired and my heart would beat fast. This never happened to me before. I thought I was just too tired. But then it became consistent that I started realizing that I may have lost some Potassium (it helps the heart beat)… lots of them during my vomiting periods. I started drinking coconut water (which half of them I throw up). Then I realize that I’m not as healthy as I was. I started feeling dizzy and weak on my knees. I would experience more orthostatic hypotension than I used to. A little search from Google told me that I maybe experiencing some electrolyte imbalance.
Having puffy cheeks maybe cute on kids but not on people with Bulimia. I have puffy cheeks, not because I’m fat, but because of excessive vomiting. Before, when I was losing those pounds the healthy way, my face actually looks thinner and less puffy. But now that I lost weight, my face is puffy or chipmunk-like. It’s my body’s way of compensating for the amount of water that I lose when throwing up. I would take photos and find my face looking as circle as ever and that makes me want to throw up more.
The thing about trying to get over Bulimia is that accepting it. I know I have one and I need help about it. The thought of eating scares me not because of weight gain but because of throwing up. I’m scared that one day I would be looking at bloody vomitus and a doctor telling me that my esophagus has raptured. But this thinking also made me realize that I may also be at risk for developing Anorexia, another scary eating disorder.
All I want to do is be healthy again. I try not to throw up. But the fact that my mind is in control of my emotions right now is making my body in frenzy. I ate a Greek yogurt this morning, JUST ONE, and I felt like throwing it all up. I don’t want my life to be like this.