Why I Need a Me Time

I work a lot. There are days when I work for 10 days straight, day off, then another 7 days of work. During those times, I’m expected to be fast, alert, and sociable. I work at a fast-paced place which means that I cannot give in to my anxiety and depressive thoughts. However, when my day off come, when I’m alone in my apartment, I feel everything fall down apart and that’s when I feel all my curbed emotions come out. The bad thoughts come out and then the tears then the sadness then the emptiness. If someone asks me what emptiness feels like, it’s literally like nothing is left within you and you have no emotion. There are days when I feel numb and those are the days that I need my Me Time. 

My Me Time are my days where I want to be left alone. I don’t answer texts nor calls. I don’t want to socialize with anyone. It’s those days that I would want to be with my thoughts and by myself. I mostly stay at home, watch movies and clean the whole place. If I must go out for groceries or something, I have my headphones on and less friendly than usual. These are also the days where I tend to buy alcohol and treat myself. 

A lot of people doesn’t understand this though. Some people would get upset if I say no to them when they invite me out. They would ask if I have plans and I would say, “Yes, sleep”. They would judge me as being KJ to their plans but this is me taking care of my sanity. I am an introvert. Although I am sociable and talks lot, at the end of the day, I enjoy being by myself and the quiet time. 

My Me Times will always be a part of me and no one can disturb that.

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F*** You Folliculitis

A week ago, I suffered unbearable itchiness on my face. Also, tiny lumps that feels disgusting under my palms. On the first day that I realized that I have these tiny lumps on my forehead, I immediately called 811 to ask some initial suggestions on what I have. The lady asked me different questions which all narrow down to questions about measles. I was vaccinated but it still didn’t stop me from thinking that maybe I was one of the very few people where the vaccine just didn’t work.

The next day, I prepared myself to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to go to a clinic because what if it’s something that’s easy communicable? I may need to be isolated for a week from the general public. I drove to the ER because I didn’t want to potentially infect anyone else. I entered ER and the triage nurse asked me what I was in for. I pointed at my face which is now full of red dots and he said, “Acne?” And I was almost like, “Yes, I went to ER for acne”. But no, I was feeling itchy and feverish so I told him, “I think it’s an allergic reaction because I have it on my arm too”. He asked me to sit down for a while and I waited for my name to be called. About 10 minutes later, another triage nurse called me in for my vitals to be taken and she immediately though I had chicken pox. I am 80% sure I haven’t had chicken pox yet because my mom said I didn’t have it as a kid but my grandma said I did. So I was isolated in to a room and I was texting and updating my dad about what is happening.

The doctors came in the room and looked at my dots on my face, arms, chest and back. He asked, “Did you tell them you have chicken pox?” and I was like, “No, the lady (nurse) did”. Ultimately, it wasn’t chicken pox and measles. He said the dots looks very different from chicken pox and he said I may have folliculitis, inflammation of the follicles. It just so happened that they decided to inflame on my face. Anyways, he prescribed me a topical and oral antibiotic.

The next few days felt like years to me. I refused to go out of my dorm room because I was so ashamed of my own face. There were tiny red dots and many white bumps. I’m one of those people who feel disgusted when seeing tiny circles in such close proximity from each other. Unfortunately, that’s what happened to my face. I would wake up in the morning and I can’t even directly touch my own face because the tiny dots felt so disgusting under my palms. I had to use a wash cloth and gently press it on my face. I would apply the topical medicine thrice a day on my face and body. For four days, this was what I did. By the fifth day, the bumps started to dry out and one by one, they started to fall off. I have this tendency to pick on my face but this time, I tried my hardest not to or else it’s gonna create some holes on my face. I’m vain like that.

By the end of 7 days (the duration of my antibiotic treatment), my face felt smoother and the last of the bumps had dried out already. It’s flat now and not like some mountainous terrain. I feel my confidence coming back and I know that I can finally get out of my room and get my parcel from the lobby. It’s been there for four days and I refused to go down and show my face to anyone.

For those seven days, I finally understand how some people with severe acne gets some low confidence. For those few days, I would look at my face and pity myself. I was just about ready to quit my job and go home if it didn’t clear up by the end of 7 days. Thankfully it did and I was able to return to my job two days after I finished my medication.

Growing up, I’ve always had bad acne especially on my forehead and chin area. I learned to just love myself and not care about the pimples that just show up on the middle of my face. But for the past few years, I’ve had less acne and the scars were already starting to heal and I was finally feeling a tad bit pretty. When this happened, I thought it was gonna be the end of my world. But then I hyped myself up and just reminded myself of my dreams. All of those can’t be achieved if I just decided to hole myself inside my dorm room.

Anyways, I have dark spots on my forehead and pretty much my whole chin. Some people suggested I wear foundation but I don’t want to. I don’t like wearing make-up because I sweat easy and you’ll just see water streaks. Also, my face is still healing and I don’t want to irritate it and get more redness. For now, I’m just using some gentle cleanser and tone correcting moisturizer. This whole ordeal made me realize that I really am vain.

On Moving Out and Living Alone

Finally! The day that I have been waiting for has finally arrived. I’ve always thought about this for years, even when I was still back in the Philippines. I’ve always wanted to be an independent lady who can live and survive alone in the big city. This is it, a step closer to my dream.

I have been living in a small city for four years. That city didn’t even have an escalator! Since I came from a big city, moving to a smaller one here in Canada was definitely a big thing for me. I was used to big malls, traffic and noise. In GP, it was definitely less noisy and less traffic. Also, there was only one mall that’s one level and closes at 6pm. Although I was happy living with my mom, I wasn’t contented in living in such a small place. I was born for the city. I’m a city girl after all. My mom, if she has the absolute say, would prefer for me to stay in GP. But me, with my adventurous and curious heart, don’t want to stay. I want to be in a big city.

I’m currently in Edmonton, about 4 hours from GP. It’s a fairly big city and houses the biggest mall in North America, the West Edmonton Mall. It also has a few more malls and little strip malls on the side. I’ve only been here for a week so I have a lot of exploring to do. I have to do it before winter though or else I wouldn’t enjoy the walks and driving so much.

I moved out of my mom’s house with barely any money in my pocket and a shit-ton of student loan on my back. She helped me buy my necessities and my dad supplies me monthly money (yaaaas!). But since I’m a strong, independent woman, I’m also on the hunt for a job. I’ve been working for over four years now and I’m used to it already. Not working makes me feel unenergetic and super lazy.

The thing about living alone in the big city is that it’s just me. I don’t have friends here… yet. I’m hoping to meet more people in the next few days so I wouldn’t feel alone. I’m an introvert but I’m also someone who likes some good conversations. I talk a lot and being cooped up in my room with my phone in front of me most of the time is not exactly healthy. I really need to get out more (or maybe open my bedroom door?).

It’s only been a week since I have moved out. Things will happen and I’ll probably meet a lot of new people. It’s not bad, it’s also not as exciting just yet.